Here is her Resume:
Would You Hire This Woman for a Dead-End Job?
By Elaine Viets
Helen
Hawthorne, heroine of my Dead-End Job mysteries, has worked a slew of nowhere
jobs – and I've worked most of those jobs, too. The first 13 novels are being
re-released by JABberwocky Literary Agency as e-books. My agent, Joshua Bilmes,
is president of the JABberwocky in New York and he wanted to re-release my
backlist. JABberwocky represents award-winning authors including Charlaine
Harris, Brandon Sanderson, Toni Kelner and Tanya Huff. Joshua's agency has made
books available from two dozen of his clients within the agency's e-book
program.
As
I re-read Helen Hawthorne's adventures, I wondered, What would Helen's resume
look like?
Helen
is a St. Louis woman who had a high-finance job making six figures a year, a
beautiful home— and a good-for-nothing husband she caught in the act with their
neighbor. When she divorced the bum, the judge saddled Helen with alimony.
Helen refused to pay her ex, tossed her wedding ring in the Mississippi River,
and went on the run. She wound up in Fort Lauderdale, working dead-end jobs for
cash under the table.
Here's
her resume:
(1)
Shop till You Drop.
Position:
Selling bustiers to bimbos.
How
long did you hold this job? Six months.
Salary
and benefits: To be discussed. (Note: this is true for every job. She can
hardly ask for cash under the table in writing.)
May
we contact your manager? No. She wound up in a barrel in Biscayne Bay. Store is
closed.
(2)
Murder Between the Covers
Position:
Bookseller.
How long did you hold this job? Six months.
May
we contact your manager?
No,
he's dead and the store is closed.
(3)
Dying to Call You
Position:
Telemarketer, selling septic tank cleaner.
May
we contact your manager?
No,
he's in the federal pen and the boiler room is closed.
Note:
There seems to be a pattern here. It was time to change my plots for the fourth
Dead-End Job mystery.
(4)
Just Murdered.
Position:
Sales associate, Millicent's Bridal Shop.
May
we contact your manager? Yes, her shop is still thriving, despite one dead
mother (of the bride) – and that mother deserved killing.
(5)
Murder Unleashed
Position:
Sales associate at Barker Bros. Pampered Pets, a posh dog grooming salon.
May
we contact your manager? Yes, the shop is doing well, despite a dead customer
and a kidnapped canine client.
(6) Murder with Reservations
Position: Hotel maid. I cleaned 38 rooms and
17 toilets per day, as well as the Jacuzzi in the honeymoon suite, which often
had chocolate and whipped cream in it.
May
we contact your manager? Yes, Sybil's Full Moon Hotel is doing well, despite
the killer hotel cleaner, who was terminated with extreme prejudice. Oh, and
the murdered maid.
(7) Clubbed to Death
Position: Customer care at the Superior country
club, where I solved the problems of people who have no problems.
May
we contact your manager? No, she was beaten to death with a golf club.
(8)
Killer Cuts
Position:
Gofer at a high-end hair salon where a color and cut cost more than a car
payment. I fetched glasses of water
for clients, wrapped in dainty napkins so their fingers wouldn't get cold, and
survived pregnant bridezillas.
May we contact
your manager? Yes, Miguel Angel is still a celebrity stylist to the stars, and
nobody liked the dead client, not even his wife.
(9) Half-Price Homicide
Position: Sales associate at a
resale boutique where trophy wives with controlling husbands got their folding
money. I learned how to dust a lot of china pineapples. I never learned why
anyone would want one of those pricey knickknacks in their home.
May
we contact your manager? Yes. She escaped jail.
(10)
Pumped for Murder
Position:
Front desk staffer for a gym specializing in women's competition body building,
where "ripped and stripped" competitors live on three ounces of
chicken – a day.
May
we contact your manager? Yes, the gym is still in business, despite clients'
fatal roid rage.
(11)
Final Sail
Position:
Stewardess on a 142-foot luxury yacht. Able to serve tea and bullion during a
storm at sea and skilled at vacuuming in the tracks. (It's an art.)
May
we contact your manager? Yes, the captain was pleased that I discovered an
emerald smuggler. Only one crew member murdered, and the killer is in prison.
(12)
Board Stiff
Position:
Assistant at Sunny Jim's Paddleboard Sales and Rentals. Able to keep the
schedule and fend off potential arsonists.
May
we contact your manager? Yes, Sunny Jim is alive and well. The clients, er, not
so much.
(13)
Catnapped!
Position:
Able to wash and groom champion show cats, who are so overbred they're unable
to clean themselves.
May
we contact your manager? Yes! She now breeds and shows her own cats and is
happily married to a veterinarian. No cats were harmed in the making of this
book, but I can't say the same for the owners.
The Dead-End Job novels are being
re-issued. Get the whole set or treat yourself to the books you missed. Prices
start at $2.99 and go up. Check them out here. http://awfulagent.com/ebooks/elaine-viets
I myself am a big fan of Helen's. Here is a picture of me with my self-designed hat inspired by some of her jobs that I wore at Malice Domestic some years ago:
The Dead End Sign is Floppy but you get the idea!
So today is a day for you to ask Helen questions about her experiences and suggest jobs she might want to consider in the future!
Let's Play!
Would you work in a Daycare for kids or even one for pets?
ReplyDeleteHelen told me to send you this (technical difficulties):
DeleteI've worked at a posh dog shop, so I'd enjoy dog day care. Kids, not so much -- they bite!
Helen Hawthorne
It would be cool to see her work with kids! If you do choose to follow this career path, let me know & I'll help you with any tips for how to prevent biting toddlers! Haha.
DeleteHow did Helen avoid food service jobs?
ReplyDeleteNot sure. I definitely love food. And Terri's very cool hat!
DeleteI would have loved to see daycare or substitute teaching also, but background checks are required. Of course, now that Helen doesn't have to hide her identity, perhaps an undercover assignment? Or to piggyback Alan's question, school lunch line? Our "lunch ladies" helped bust sophomore counterfeiters.
ReplyDeleteA hairnet -- and mystery meat! Yep, I can definitely see it, Mary.
DeleteHow would Helen feel about pest control? Spraying, crawling under houses, checking attics for critters? Doesn't that sound like fun?
ReplyDeleteThat would really bug me. And Florida has HUGE roaches. You can saddle and ride them!
DeleteDo they fly like in NOLA?
DeleteMaybe one of those people who do errands and stand in line for people and stuff like that for people who don't want to deal with it?
ReplyDeleteStanding in line for permits at City Hall. That really is a job.
DeleteNo doubt.... or DMV.
Delete